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Saturday, December 31, 2011

One Last Cry

I sit here in a old night gown crying. The tears seem like a ever flowing dam. If you ask me why I am crying. I would simply say "for so many reasons".  I'm crying for the loneliness that seems to hug me tightly, the friendship that I lost, the relationship that was never meant to be, the job I didn't get, the daughter that I miss terribly, the goals I did not accomplish.  But most importantly, I'm crying for the new beginning that is a hour away. I do not make New Year's resolutions.  But I vow to myself that next year will not be like this year.  Until, next year  "Greet each day with a smile upon lips and laughter in your eyes".TW     Happy New Year!!!

Friday, December 30, 2011

Forge Ahead

Today, I felt somewhat as peace.  Maybe, it is because I have started letting go of the past.  I have not cried all day. Although, memories seem to stalk me. I held firm to letting go. I would not allow myself to wallow in the hurt and pain I have experienced. I forged ahead because I now realize that I will never receive what is for me. If I cannot let go of the past.  I know that some days will be easier than most. So, I plan to dedicate next year to finding myself.  I have given so much of me I no longer recognize myself. I so look forward to meeting Tiffany (I hear she is Super Nice)!!!

Thursday, December 29, 2011

Letting Go Of A DREAM...

It should not be a secret to anyone by now that it is hard for me to Let Go.  Yesterday, was a horrible day for me.  I finally realized that not all dreams are meant to be.  For once I do not have the words to describe how excruciating the pain is. The hurt I feel is beyond measure.  Sometimes, we only look at one angle. We tend to fear what we do not understand.  My fear is being unloved.  I have felt unloved for a long long time.  Most, people view me as being a super nice person.  I will give you anything If I have enough to share.  I try my best to show people how much I care through my actions.  I care and love deeply.  When people hurt me I tend to take it personally.  I have a habit of giving so much of myself that often times I'm left with nothing when the pieces fall.  I long to be loved by someone that is not obligated to love me.  Yesterday, I finally saw my dream for the first time not through my eyes. But, through the eyes of reality. What I physically saw my heart finally felt.  That the love I have to offer will  not be returned in the way that I seek.  I realized that sometimes our dreams may not be realistic or that dream may not be for you. Last night I cried so much because I wanted to finally stop searching for love. I looked upon myself last night and all I could see was desperation.  It clung to me like a second skin. I cried even harder.  When, I awoke this morning my heart felt so much lighter.  With a promise upon my lips and a vow in my heart I have decided to let it go. I'm letting go of searching for love, chasing dreams. And the end of the day, chasing a dream that is not meant for you will prolong what is for you.

Tuesday, December 27, 2011

Friendship

I do not have a lot of friends. Although, I know many people my friends are few.  It takes a lot for me to consider someone my friend. Simply, because if I consider you my friend then you are family to me.  I care about you deeply and will treat you just as I would my own family.  I recently, realized within the last month or so that everyone defines friendship differently. I define friendship as being a shoulder to cry on when the world seems unfair.  Being, that one person that will tell you the truth no matter what. Telling you that you've drown in self-pity enough. The one person that will be there no matter what. The one person you can tell your dreams and fears too. The one person that will not judge you. That is what friendship means to me.  I recently realized that there is not a wrong definition to friendship. You just have to befriend people that defines friendship as you would.  It amazes me how the little things in life are often answers to the bigger issues...

Monday, December 26, 2011

Mother

Today, was rough and I expected that it would be considering it's Christmas.  It started the moment I opened my eyes to answer the text that had my phone blaring pick me up. Family and friends wishing me a Merry Christmas. I just was not in the holiday spirit.  From the moment I awoke I have been battling negative thoughts that seem to have been working overtime today. I just couldn't keep them at bay. If you have been following my blogs then you know that I have been drowning in sorrow the past few weeks.  I decided to call my daughter so that she could tell me all about what she got for Christmas.  Upon, hearing her say "hey mommy" my heart stopped.  I felt something so deep I still can not put it into words. For the first time in five years I actually felt like a mother. I listened to her speak as tears rolled down my cheeks. How I miss her so much.  I listened to the richness of her voice. I could hear the excitement in her words.  She tells me everything from barbie dolls to candy.  Then she tells me she misses me and she loves me.  My heart sunk even lower.  I managed to tell her our signature code " I love you more."  She hangs up and I just cry.  I have never felt so touched or moved than I have today. I loved my daughter since the womb.  But I now what other mothers and fathers feel like.  Today, is the first time in my life that I have ever felt loved.

Thursday, December 22, 2011

S.O.S

I have learned that often times people have a tendency to constantly talk about the same thing over and over and over again.  I am guilty of doing this countless times.  I have finally come up with a possible explanation of why people do this.  We often talk about the same thing constantly because we have not mastered that in which we constantly speak of.  I know for me I have not mastered Letting Go nor have I mastered Forgiveness.  I struggle so hard with letting go and forgiveness.  I feel that they have me anchored refusing to let me sail away.  The more I try to forge ahead with moving on the more obstacles seem to crowd my door step.  I'm so exhausted physically and mentally. I just want to rest.  Somebody, please rescue me.  I can not hang on much longer. I feel myself letting go....

Sunday, December 18, 2011

Invisible.....

The tears that I have shed are plenty
The hurt that I feel is suffocating me
And yet, I continue to wait
Waiting for you 
To see me.
I cry out hoping to get 
Your attention.
But you look beyond me.
Why can't you see me
I cry out to you
To look at Me
To see Me
Please..
But you look beyond me...


Saturday, December 17, 2011

Untitled...

It seems like months has passed since I place my thoughts into cyber space.  Believe me I have had lots to speak about.  But, as I have written in previous blogs I am trying to keep a positive mindset.  So, it goes back to the old cliche' "if you have nothing nice to say then don't say anything."  I wanted so much to give my emotions and thoughts free rein. But that would not be wise to do.  Writing allows me to express myself emotionally and artistically.  But I have learned that I tend to withdrawal to my writing allowing it be my voice instead of me speaking for me.  Words are just organized dots on a page unless you give them a voice.  As, I sit here in Fridays looking like the epitome of geeky chic.  I look around with a smile peaking from my chiseled features.  No, one knows the mental battle Im experiencing right now.  I sit here trying desperately to keep my thoughts  on the yellow brick road, to stay positive.  Everyday, the battle continues often stalking me in my dreams.  I am so exhausted.  But I will continue to fight.  Never in a million years would I have thought my most vicious adversary would be ME....

Friday, December 2, 2011

When It Hurts So BAD....

This week has been brutally hard and unrelenting.  I could not start a job I wanted badly due to issues beyond my control.  I have lost a friend that I cared for deeply.  I have cried enough to create my lagoon.  The hurt that cradles my heart squeezes me tightly with no press for release button.  I have been wondering what I have done to deserve such a throbbing ache.  I cry out vehemently for someone to tell me why.  Why,  happiness seems to disappear when I get too close.  I have always wondered why I have to work so much harder for things to become a reality for me.  I see others that seem to get things effortlessly.  I try to keep my thoughts clear of what goes on around me.  But sometimes I lose focus and find myself wondering what ifs.  Even as I sit here and wonder I know what I have to do.  I have to pick  myself back up and continue to move along in my journey of life. I have to check my ruck sack and ensure my necessities are still there.  My shield of confidence has taken many hits but yet, I continue to patch up and it works as good as new.  My determination and tenacity wait patiently at my side.  My book of aspirations encourage me to keep climbing. Always reassuring me that if I stay stumble determination will be there to lift me up. So, I shall say this and be done with this self-induced pity party.  "Pain is a part of life.  How you decide to deal with that pain.  Will determine how long it hurts."

Monday, November 14, 2011

Who's Pulling Your Puppet Strings- Assistance or Hindrance?

I realized about a week ago I have very few friends.  I sat down to dig deeper into my memories of yester-years to reflect on the friendships I used to have.  I realized as I matured my choice in friends did not.  I looked at the people I gravitated to and I was shocked at what I was drawn to.  The past few years I can say I have had only two friends.  It took for me to experience a low point in my life to realize who my true friends were.  It hurt me deeply to know that the people I would willingly give my last too. Were the ones pulling the strings on  my puppet.  It has made me very distrustful of peoples motives.  It has taken a long time for me to really notice the link between reflection and perception.  I used to be friends with people that did not have the same values and morals that I held.  I would constantly say when people asked me. Why I could associate with such people.  I remember saying "what they do is their business and has no reflection on me."  People perceive you to be a certain way if they have meet someone you associate with.  Regardless, if you want to admit it or not our friends are reflections of us.  I want to be successful.  So for me I know that a big part of success is to surround yourself with positivity.  I refuse to be friends with someone that is hindering me.  Hinder is a obstacle or impediment.  Sometimes our associates, families, and friends can become a hindrance to us.  We exert so much energy into holding onto relationships that are dead weight we often sink ourselves.  I have learned to ask myself is this person a assistance or a hindrance to me.  It is so easy to be negative but it is often a daily up hill battle to be positive.   I prefer to surround myself around those that have similar values and morals as I do.  Positivity, is a assistance everyone could use more of.  Ask yourself this do I currently hold relationships with people that are hindering me?  Am I a hindrance in my relationships?

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

Failures Are Important To Someone

Last night was the first of four sessions in a teleseminar I am currently attending.  At, first I was overwhelmed at the amount of information that was being given. (Until, I get permission I will not state the speakers name.)  I honestly was ready to give up. That is until the speaker made a statement that literally made me stop my mental complaining.  For the rest of the seminar I was on auto pilot my mind wanted desparately to deconstruct her statement.  I have thought about that statement off and on for hours today.  I finally feel comfortable enough to share my thoughts on the subject.
     For as long as I can remember I have lived inside my mind. It is where I am most comfortable. Everything must be thought out in my mind first. If my minds eye could not see it then it was unfathomable.  For most of my life I have felt inadequate and awkward. I have scars that are visbly  hidden with dry humor, quick wit, and a who cares adittude. I have failed at more things than I care to remember. I preferred to keep my failures to myself. I was to ashamed to let anyone in to comfort me. I knew that there was a part of me that wanted to give my failures a voice. Up until I heard that statement I was very limted on who knew my failures.  I now realize how powerful a failure can be to someone that may be heading in the very direction I took.  By giving my failures a voice I allow myself to heal. To every person that is sitting at home struggling with a failure of some sort. Stop allowing it to fester. For several weeks I have been meeting women that needed to hear about my failures. And for several weeks I have been fighting with myself on whether I would allow someone to know about the failures I have endured.  I decided today that my failures will become someone elses victory.  From that one statement I have healed so  much by just allowing my life lessons to become someones guide book. When I think back to the past I realize that the failures I have endured have made me a stronger person.  So, I will say this and be done for the night.  "True success comes not from succeeding at be being the best. But recongnizing that failure was a necessary step to success."...TW

Monday, October 31, 2011

How Long Have You Been Searching For S.A.R.A.H? (Serenity,Acceptance,Respect,Accolades,Happiness)

For many years I have been searching for S.A.R.A.H.  I was pondering what it was that I have been stalking for so many years. I stated in a previous blog when you allow a question to rest and it is no longer a distraction to you eventually the answer will reveal its self to you.  When I finally allowed the question to rest I was blown away at what was revealed to me.  For many many years now I have beening searching for "The American Dream" also known as SARAH.  Think about it everyone seeks some form of serenity. Billions of people search for acceptance everyday.  Whether it be from their peers or careers its often a huge factor in motivating our decisions.  Respect will often attach its self to acceptance because people often pair the two off.  Many believe that if they are accepted by their peers and society that will ensure respect.  But we often forget that respect starts within if you do not respect your self first no one else will.  Close on its heel is accolades we often look for physical accolades to define who we are. And then there is happiness. We often attribute happiness to the many accolades we have accomplished.  We look at only the physically tangible items in our lives. Our cars, homes, and children. All these years I have searched for SARAH never stopping to really understand the true meaning of SARAH. Never once stopping in my journey to realize that I have met SARAH several times. Movie nights with my daughter is serenity for me. My boss asking for my input on different subject matters is my acceptance. When children say "yes please" and "no thank you" that is respect for me.  Watching my daughter eyes light up when I let her help me cook is a huge accolade for me.  Being able to wake up every day with a clean slate is happiness for me.  So, I ask you today are you searching for SARAH and if so how is that working for you?

Sunday, October 30, 2011

Remember Why...

The sun has set and rose many a days since my last blog.  I will admit that I became slightly discouraged no one was reading my blog.  But I remembered that I did not start this blog because I wanted people to read it.  I started the blog to help and encourage myself transition into a better me. So, I am officially back in the saddle.

Sunday, October 16, 2011

New Beginnings Mean Letting Go Of The Past

The most important thing I have learned in the last few days. Is that when you are striving to put your best you forward. Obstacles, seem to come from nowhere.  The very issue you have worked yourself through tries to sneak its way back toward you. Carrying gifts of memories convincing you to think back to the good old days.  When you were "blissfully" happy.  Listen to me people the past is just that the past and the only thing you can be taught from the past is a lesson learned.  Let your new beginning guide your foot steps.  To truly embrace your new beginning you have to let go of the past.  I know it will be hard but think of all the new beginnings waiting for you to notice them.  Some of us are so afraid of letting go of the past.  Because sometimes that means letting go of  someone you care for. We, often do not realize that what we are so afraid of losing was actually never really ours to begin with. Trust in yourself enough to know that when you let go you will not fall.  Let the past land where it may. Place your hand into your new beginning  and just start walking.  Always, remember the past will never change. No, matter how many times you rethink it.  It will forever remain the past-unchangeable.

Thursday, October 13, 2011

Where Is Your Compass?

Ladies, have you found yourself walking in circles for miles -years even. Wondering when you are supposed to take the next left or right. I know you are frustrated, tired, confused and angry.  As women we sometimes travel with too much equipment or the wrong equipment. Hell, let’s be honest you are frustrated and angry because you are lost. You have no clue how to read the compass you have been holding for the last umpteen years and the map you have is so old it’s fried and frayed at the ends.  People have often mistaken it for a treasure map.

          Think about your life like this. You are the fried and frayed map lost without destination in mind or sight. The compass you keep holding onto is baggage and we all know that sometimes when your bags are too heavy they will not budge. First thing you should do is acknowledge that you are lost and that the compass you are carrying is outdated. I know you are wondering how all this is supposed to fuse together seamlessly. It does and here is how:

KEYWORDS

Acknowledge

Compass

Map

STEP ONE: Acknowledge that you have ALLOWED some unwanted things in your life.  Do not admit to what has happened in your life. Admit implies a reluctance to acknowledge the truth. Acknowledge implies admission of the truth. The truth is that you allowed some turmoil to erupt into your life. Once you acknowledge your role in the upheaval of life then and only then will you be able to move toward correcting it.

STEP TWO:  Compass. A compass is supposed to tell you where you are whether it be south or north.  It's sole purpose is to direct you to your next point. Sometimes we allow other people to become our compass. Allowing them to take us where they wish. They become extra baggage that weighs you down. You allowed them to take control of your compass. TAKE it back.  That compass that you have allowed someone else to operate represents your life. You need to acknowledge that you gave up control over it. Get it back and retrace the origin of where you first started alone. Sometimes traveling alone is best.

STEP THREE: MAP. Your map shows your movement through life. Sometimes, those saddles, ridges, rifts, and valleys we see are our up’s and downs in life. Absolutely, everything we do in this lifetime will be on our map and whether or not your map shows a line that seems to go nowhere is up to you. Stop making excuses of why your map seems to go nowhere. You acknowledged that you allowed unhealthy situations in your life. You took your compass back from whatever was holding you stagnant. Now all you have to do is orient yourself and start moving in a direction that you see fit for your life.

 Even if no one ever follows this blog. I now have the confidence to continue writing.

Letting Go Of My FEAR-TODAY

I arrived at my weekly luncheon series excited and ready to learn more about life in general.  But what I learned today was truly heaven sent.  I wrote about comfirmations in my previous blog. What I learned today was indeed a confirmation.  Fear has crippled me from doing so many great things in life.  I honestly did not realize that I have been feeding fear for a very long time.  I wonder if I could file that on income taxes next  year!!! Fear comes in so many shapes and directions that if you were not aware (which most are not) it could suffocate you.  Few people outside of my family know about the one big dream I have.  I want to bceome a writer.  That is perhaps the one thing in life I feel I am extrordinary at.  As, a child writing was my way of exscaping reality.  I felt no one could penetrate the words and images I would conjure up. My poems and stories became my shield from a world that could be harsh and malicious. I have always had a way with manipulating words to do as I wished.  Often times the words became the tears I physically could not shed.  I gave my dream up thinking I would never make it as a writer because I did not possess the technical side of writing.  I did not care about periods, commas, and question marks-I still do not care.  I just wanted to write.  Fearing that no one would ever care to read what I had to say.  I locked my dream away.  Secretly, going back to touch its loving embrace slowly dying inside every time I walked away.  Some months ago I started writing a pamphlet about women discovering themselves.  I titled it "Finding Your Way Back to You"  It was supposed to be a self-help guide to redirect women back to self-discovery.  I stopped writing it for several reasons the couple that reaches out to me the most is fear and why listen to me.  Fear because I was terrified no one would want to know what I had to say on this subject and why listen to me because I myself had not followed the guide.  But I am ready now!! I am ready to step rather I should say leap out on faith and put my writing on display for all to see. Flaws and all. So my next blog will be the first chapter of the pamphlet I am writing. Stay Tuned

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

Confirmation or Coincidence- I wonder?

My day has begun and I feel so full of new beginnings.  I have not blogged in a few days. Simply, because I am just now digesting what I have learned the past few days.  Lately, I feel like my life is coming together nicely.  As, I stated in my first blog I cut  my hair.  Sunday, I was invited to attend a meeting for women with natural hair.  Truly, I did not think I would find many women there- I was wrong.  There were plenty!!! I thought that I would feel out of place and overwhelmed. Surprisingly, I felt connected to these beautiful women. They were embracing their naturalness and individuality in such a confident way. As, I write this blog I am thinking back to Sunday because I awoke feeling different about myself.  Its funny but I woke up feeling extremely sexy and beautiful!!! I had decided that morning that I will always awake this way. It was the first day I truly embraced my short hair and liked everything I saw. I felt like I no longer need such attachments as my shoes and clothes  to define me. That first glance of beauty will forever be etched in my memory.  I think that morning I saw how other people have probably seen me- far longer than I have.  Do not misunderstand, I did not think I was ugly. But I did not believe I was beautiful either.  Sunday, I looked at me for the first time ever. It is hard to explain what I saw because sometimes beauty is simply unexplainable. It was more than what I saw. It was a feeling, taste and a touch that I felt upon that first glance.  It was wonderful!!!  Was this a confirmation or a coincidence that I met such a strong and beautiful group of women. Right, when I discovered the beauty within me.  Hmm, I wonder?

Thursday, October 6, 2011

Only When You Are Ready

There is so much information that I have acquired or been privy to on how to move on.  But the sad matter is up until now.  I had no inkling on how to apply it. I make it a habit to stay above water on certain subjects.  Because you just never know when the information may be useful to someone.  I have discovered or rather I should say rediscovered that change can come only when you are ready to change.  I have been struggling for months wondering why I seem to be moving nowhere.  Flustered, at the simple thought that as I stand rooted to this spot everything around me continues to move. I try forcing myself to move-nothing happens.  I try mentally willingly myself to move but I remain there.  Sometimes, it takes someone you do not know to point out what those close to you already stated. For the past couple of weeks I have been attending a seminar during lunch.  I have learned a great deal about why I have not moved forward in my  life.  I have been carrying so much baggage that it was impossible for me to move. I never acknowledge that I was ready to move on with my life.  Oh, for sure I have cried and talked about it with friends.  But I never took that step forward in moving on. I kept going back to the past because I could not get past the hurt and anger.  The only way to truly move on is to take the first step into your future.  The only thing the past is good for is a lesson learned. But know this until you are ready to move away from the past and into your future. You will remain rooted where you are. 

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

Why Letting Go Is So Much Harder Than Holding On

A few sunrises have passed since I last blogged.  I have been in what I refer to as a "Mental Reflection." What that means is simply that I have been doing a lot of self-reflection mentally. I have questioned my actions,  reactions, desires, and, thoughts.  The one question that presents itself so vividly within my mental mirror is " Why Letting Go Is So Much Harder Than Holding On."  I have wondered, pondered, analyzed, and deconstructed that question. After all that thinking I still had no clue.  Finally, after feeling defeat caressing me tenderly I fell asleep without the answer.  I awoke the next day slightly agitated and somewhat distracted. Wondering, what I could have missed. I pushed the thought from mind with a powerful shove- I have work to do.  Funny thing is when you allow a question to rest eventually the answer will come to you when its no longer a distraction to you.  I was sitting at home eating when the answer rung my doorbell mentally.! This is what I have discovered well it is my opinion at least.  Letting something go means that you set it free it is no longer connected to you. People are perhaps so afraid of letting go of what they already know. That they are not willing to take a chance simply because they do not know what is to come.  The unknown frightens many and sometimes that is what holds us prisoners to our current predicaments.  I am discovering everyday that letting go is very hard. I battle daily not to succumb to the familiar.  Some days I am extremely successful and there are days I feel as if I have losted the battle.  But what I admire the most is I never give-up. As long as I continue to fight eventually I will win the war.

Friday, September 30, 2011

Its Just Hair It Will Grow Back- Eventually

This is officially my first blog!!! And yes, I am very excited.  Yesterday, I made a very drastic decision. I went to the hair salon and told my beautician to cut my hair. To say that I hated it would be an understatement. I loathed it at the time.  Now, the (next day) its growing on me.  Its going to take some getting used to, but I can live with that. I know many may be wondering why I cut my hair to begin with. Simple. I wanted a fresh start, a new beginning of sorts.  I wanted to physically do something that would show my transition into the next faze of my life.  I've wasted many years wondering, blaming, disliking, hating, searching for something tangible. When all along I should have been searching for me. I titled my blog Mental Conversations because I question myself about every thing. So, this blog is a physical catalog of my thoughts. So, welcome to my journey of finding the real me!