Saturday, December 31, 2011
I sit here in a old night gown crying. The tears seem like a ever flowing dam. If you ask me why I am crying. I would simply say "for so many reasons". I'm crying for the loneliness that seems to hug me tightly, the friendship that I lost, the relationship that was never meant to be, the job I didn't get, the daughter that I miss terribly, the goals I did not accomplish. But most importantly, I'm crying for the new beginning that is a hour away. I do not make New Year's resolutions. But I vow to myself that next year will not be like this year. Until, next year "Greet each day with a smile upon lips and laughter in your eyes".TW Happy New Year!!!
Friday, December 30, 2011
Today, I felt somewhat as peace. Maybe, it is because I have started letting go of the past. I have not cried all day. Although, memories seem to stalk me. I held firm to letting go. I would not allow myself to wallow in the hurt and pain I have experienced. I forged ahead because I now realize that I will never receive what is for me. If I cannot let go of the past. I know that some days will be easier than most. So, I plan to dedicate next year to finding myself. I have given so much of me I no longer recognize myself. I so look forward to meeting Tiffany (I hear she is Super Nice)!!!
Thursday, December 29, 2011
It should not be a secret to anyone by now that it is hard for me to Let Go. Yesterday, was a horrible day for me. I finally realized that not all dreams are meant to be. For once I do not have the words to describe how excruciating the pain is. The hurt I feel is beyond measure. Sometimes, we only look at one angle. We tend to fear what we do not understand. My fear is being unloved. I have felt unloved for a long long time. Most, people view me as being a super nice person. I will give you anything If I have enough to share. I try my best to show people how much I care through my actions. I care and love deeply. When people hurt me I tend to take it personally. I have a habit of giving so much of myself that often times I'm left with nothing when the pieces fall. I long to be loved by someone that is not obligated to love me. Yesterday, I finally saw my dream for the first time not through my eyes. But, through the eyes of reality. What I physically saw my heart finally felt. That the love I have to offer will not be returned in the way that I seek. I realized that sometimes our dreams may not be realistic or that dream may not be for you. Last night I cried so much because I wanted to finally stop searching for love. I looked upon myself last night and all I could see was desperation. It clung to me like a second skin. I cried even harder. When, I awoke this morning my heart felt so much lighter. With a promise upon my lips and a vow in my heart I have decided to let it go. I'm letting go of searching for love, chasing dreams. And the end of the day, chasing a dream that is not meant for you will prolong what is for you.
Tuesday, December 27, 2011
I do not have a lot of friends. Although, I know many people my friends are few. It takes a lot for me to consider someone my friend. Simply, because if I consider you my friend then you are family to me. I care about you deeply and will treat you just as I would my own family. I recently, realized within the last month or so that everyone defines friendship differently. I define friendship as being a shoulder to cry on when the world seems unfair. Being, that one person that will tell you the truth no matter what. Telling you that you've drown in self-pity enough. The one person that will be there no matter what. The one person you can tell your dreams and fears too. The one person that will not judge you. That is what friendship means to me. I recently realized that there is not a wrong definition to friendship. You just have to befriend people that defines friendship as you would. It amazes me how the little things in life are often answers to the bigger issues...
Monday, December 26, 2011
Today, was rough and I expected that it would be considering it's Christmas. It started the moment I opened my eyes to answer the text that had my phone blaring pick me up. Family and friends wishing me a Merry Christmas. I just was not in the holiday spirit. From the moment I awoke I have been battling negative thoughts that seem to have been working overtime today. I just couldn't keep them at bay. If you have been following my blogs then you know that I have been drowning in sorrow the past few weeks. I decided to call my daughter so that she could tell me all about what she got for Christmas. Upon, hearing her say "hey mommy" my heart stopped. I felt something so deep I still can not put it into words. For the first time in five years I actually felt like a mother. I listened to her speak as tears rolled down my cheeks. How I miss her so much. I listened to the richness of her voice. I could hear the excitement in her words. She tells me everything from barbie dolls to candy. Then she tells me she misses me and she loves me. My heart sunk even lower. I managed to tell her our signature code " I love you more." She hangs up and I just cry. I have never felt so touched or moved than I have today. I loved my daughter since the womb. But I now what other mothers and fathers feel like. Today, is the first time in my life that I have ever felt loved.
Thursday, December 22, 2011
I have learned that often times people have a tendency to constantly talk about the same thing over and over and over again. I am guilty of doing this countless times. I have finally come up with a possible explanation of why people do this. We often talk about the same thing constantly because we have not mastered that in which we constantly speak of. I know for me I have not mastered Letting Go nor have I mastered Forgiveness. I struggle so hard with letting go and forgiveness. I feel that they have me anchored refusing to let me sail away. The more I try to forge ahead with moving on the more obstacles seem to crowd my door step. I'm so exhausted physically and mentally. I just want to rest. Somebody, please rescue me. I can not hang on much longer. I feel myself letting go....
Sunday, December 18, 2011
The tears that I have shed are plenty
The hurt that I feel is suffocating me
And yet, I continue to wait
Waiting for you
To see me.
I cry out hoping to get
But you look beyond me.
Why can't you see me
I cry out to you
To look at Me
To see Me
But you look beyond me...
Saturday, December 17, 2011
It seems like months has passed since I place my thoughts into cyber space. Believe me I have had lots to speak about. But, as I have written in previous blogs I am trying to keep a positive mindset. So, it goes back to the old cliche' "if you have nothing nice to say then don't say anything." I wanted so much to give my emotions and thoughts free rein. But that would not be wise to do. Writing allows me to express myself emotionally and artistically. But I have learned that I tend to withdrawal to my writing allowing it be my voice instead of me speaking for me. Words are just organized dots on a page unless you give them a voice. As, I sit here in Fridays looking like the epitome of geeky chic. I look around with a smile peaking from my chiseled features. No, one knows the mental battle Im experiencing right now. I sit here trying desperately to keep my thoughts on the yellow brick road, to stay positive. Everyday, the battle continues often stalking me in my dreams. I am so exhausted. But I will continue to fight. Never in a million years would I have thought my most vicious adversary would be ME....
Friday, December 2, 2011
This week has been brutally hard and unrelenting. I could not start a job I wanted badly due to issues beyond my control. I have lost a friend that I cared for deeply. I have cried enough to create my lagoon. The hurt that cradles my heart squeezes me tightly with no press for release button. I have been wondering what I have done to deserve such a throbbing ache. I cry out vehemently for someone to tell me why. Why, happiness seems to disappear when I get too close. I have always wondered why I have to work so much harder for things to become a reality for me. I see others that seem to get things effortlessly. I try to keep my thoughts clear of what goes on around me. But sometimes I lose focus and find myself wondering what ifs. Even as I sit here and wonder I know what I have to do. I have to pick myself back up and continue to move along in my journey of life. I have to check my ruck sack and ensure my necessities are still there. My shield of confidence has taken many hits but yet, I continue to patch up and it works as good as new. My determination and tenacity wait patiently at my side. My book of aspirations encourage me to keep climbing. Always reassuring me that if I stay stumble determination will be there to lift me up. So, I shall say this and be done with this self-induced pity party. "Pain is a part of life. How you decide to deal with that pain. Will determine how long it hurts."