Monday, December 26, 2011
Today, was rough and I expected that it would be considering it's Christmas. It started the moment I opened my eyes to answer the text that had my phone blaring pick me up. Family and friends wishing me a Merry Christmas. I just was not in the holiday spirit. From the moment I awoke I have been battling negative thoughts that seem to have been working overtime today. I just couldn't keep them at bay. If you have been following my blogs then you know that I have been drowning in sorrow the past few weeks. I decided to call my daughter so that she could tell me all about what she got for Christmas. Upon, hearing her say "hey mommy" my heart stopped. I felt something so deep I still can not put it into words. For the first time in five years I actually felt like a mother. I listened to her speak as tears rolled down my cheeks. How I miss her so much. I listened to the richness of her voice. I could hear the excitement in her words. She tells me everything from barbie dolls to candy. Then she tells me she misses me and she loves me. My heart sunk even lower. I managed to tell her our signature code " I love you more." She hangs up and I just cry. I have never felt so touched or moved than I have today. I loved my daughter since the womb. But I now what other mothers and fathers feel like. Today, is the first time in my life that I have ever felt loved.