It rained heavily this past weekend. I watched the rain fall in large tear like droplets. I watched and sat quietly in deep concentration. Sometimes clarity comes when we least expect it. I watched as the rain beat upon the roof with a serrated rhythm. I glanced at the clouds rolling quickly with impatience. The sky smudged with too much of a gray like frustration. I closed my eyes hoping to erase the image from my memory but then I could hear the wind howling its mournful tune of regret. I could not escape. I have depended heavily upon my ability to shut down reality and morph into my own altered reality. I was powerless. Clarity is refreshing once you get over the shock. I could not shut myself off from reality because that storm was me. I have struggled so much from lack of confidence to wondering of my purpose . I have pondered about my purpose for so long I cannot remember a time that I haven't. I have hugged fear tighter than my own child. My life has been a remix of oxymoron's and words. I am most comfortable within the catacombs of my own mind. Sometimes we are own worst enemy. I know that my storm will also be my testimony. I am exhausted. Tired of running from myself. Especially tired of running from GOD. So to anyone that may be struggling with their purpose just know that fear of the unknown will always hold you captive in your storm.
Tuesday, August 12, 2014
It has been a long time since I have actually sat down and wrote on my blog. I have had intentions and heavens knows I have had so much to discuss. I have been lazy and scared. Some people are great at many things and some such as myself have only been given one great gift. Writing is mine. Writing is suppose to be how I reach out to the world to touch lives. I sit within the cage of my own construction afraid to take the leap and put myself out there for the world to critique. As a child one of my favorite movies was " I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings" I remember watching the movie and then begged my mother to get me the book that had that particular poem within it. Recently, I was going through some of my books finally getting ready to donate some because I have so many. I am a serious book hoarder and I do not like to give books away. I have books that are no longer in print. I figured I may as well donate them to a good cause. I found the book as I was sorting through boxes upon boxes. I read the poem and cried. I am that caged bird. I long so much to be a great writer. I keep myself locked away in the cage because I am terrified of the unknown. I am learning that you can not be a blessing or a motivator to someone else if you never put yourself out there. So, no more of me not putting my gift to good use. God entrusted me with this gift for a reason. So to anyone out there that is struggling to step out of the cage you have surround yourself within. Remember you cannot be who you are meant to be if you never step out of the cage.
Sunday, March 9, 2014
For the past few years I have been trying to forgive my ex-husband. I have overcame stages and stages of hurt and anger. But the stage I find most difficult is Forgiveness. I used to think that if I put him out of my thoughts and memories that meant that I had forgiven him. But if someone brought up his name it was instant fury and deep seeded rage that coursed through my veins. I had not succeeded in forgiving as I told everyone. The only thing I succeeded in was pushing thoughts and memories of him to the far corners of mind never to be thought of again, unless someone mentioned his name. So, for the past few years I have been on a quest to forgive a man that hurt me deeply. I have tried all manner of things and they worked-temporarily. I made the assumption that forgiveness was tangible. Simply, stated I thought that forgiveness was something I could touch. Recently, I have learned that forgiveness is not an item that can be touched. But I thank God he surrounded me with great friends that has helped me to understand the real meaning of forgiveness. God forgave man he even allowed his only son to be crucified for our sins. When I think of this I feel really childish, I only have a broken heart to consider unlike God who watched his son be beaten and crucified. Forgiveness is letting go of whatever hurt and anger you allowed to attach itself to you. After years of trying to forgive and failing I am starting to see just how great life can be once you rid yourself of old wounds.
Monday, March 3, 2014
Life is unpredictable. We all have had obstacles to climb and overcome. Everyone and I do mean everyone has their own cross to bear. But sometimes we forget just how fickle life can be. We as people get caught up in the world wind of life. Everyday we make assumptions not only upon ourselves but everyone else as well. We live in a bubble where we assume that we are so great that we should never have to shoulder the burden of hard times. It is those rough patches we stumble across in life that make us better people. I have been reminded of this from a someone whom lost a loved one- God. He watched his son Jesus be beaten and crucified. But yet he forgave us all. So, I guess the question we should all ask ourselves whenever life becomes difficult. What makes me special that hard times should never encounter me. Let me just say it is a humbling experience to realize that God gave he son so that we could be here today. Whatever hardship we may be enduring in our lives at this very moment just know that there is a lesson in every storm we encounter in life. We just have to be steadfast in our faith and know that God will never ever give us more than we can bear. "The sun shines brightest after a storm"-T.W.