Fear

I am and always have dreamed big. As a child I lost myself in my alternate reality where I was a success. I never waivered my steps in going after what I wanted.  I was dogged and determine to become infamous. In reality I have become the opposite. I still have dreams that I feel could changed the world. However, the confidence to achieve them has faded away. Do not get me wrong I am still confident just not of my own dreams. I consider myself to be a “Pusher” if you tell me your goals and dreams I will do all I can within in my power of persuasiveness and plain old’ annoyance to convince you to push yourself over the finish line. I do not waiver in my attempts to motivate and encourage you to reach deep down within for that last bit of strength. Just when you feel you can go no further I am whispering in your ear encouraging you with the strength that I have to keep going just a bit further.

         Lately, a feeling of discontent has started to invade my mind. I feel it coursing towards my heart. I feel lost as If I’m walking a great distance on my own. I do not see anyone just a long road stretched toward infinity. Unfortunately, I cannot stop to rest because I feel fear is a hairs breath behind me. I feel it calling me and I simply cannot ignore its mournful wail. I hear the exhaustion of trying desperately to be something wonderful within its tune. I keep walking but my tears have blurred my vision. I continue to walk because I know what awaits me if I stop.

         Weary. I am mentally exhausted. I know that I need to push myself out of my comfort zone. Become the brilliant person God molded me to be. Fear has ties upon me and I simply do not know where to start to cut them.

Dear Friend,

Today, I watched heartache cling to my friend. I watched as she wearily fought the pain that steadfastly stretched its serrated limbs toward her heart. I heard the tears fall well before they slid down her face coming to a halt only to drop one at a time. My heart aches for her because I know how she feels. I know the hurt and pain that's stalking her. For several years during my marriage and after my divorce pain cradle my heart and anger fueled my veins. I went through a whirlwind of emotions. The one emotion that seemed to cultivate all the others was heartache. Heartache has a way of suffocating you with memories of a time when happiness was never questioned. So, my friend I just want you to know that you must prepare yourself for a fight. You have to fight to take back your independence and self love. There will be moments when you hurt so bad you cannot fathom why it is happening to you. There will be moments of crystal clarity and comforting confidence. Those are the moments you need to fuel you through the downpour of heartache. Always, remember that when you have absolutely no one to depend on when you need them the most God will always be their with open arms.

Through the Storm

It rained heavily this past weekend. I watched the rainfall in large tear-like droplets. I watched and sat quietly in deep concentration. Sometimes clarity comes when we least expect it. I watched as the rain beat upon the roof with a serrated rhythm. I glanced at the clouds rolling quickly with impatience. The sky smudged with too much of a gray-like frustration. I closed my eyes hoping to erase the image from my memory but then I could hear the wind howling its mournful tune of regret. I could not escape. I have depended heavily upon my ability to shut down reality and morph into my own altered reality. I was powerless. Clarity is refreshing once you get over the shock. I could not shut myself off from reality because that storm was me. I have struggled so much from lack of confidence to wondering about my purpose. I have pondered about my purpose for so long I cannot remember a time that I haven't. I have hugged fear tighter than my own child. My life has been a remix of oxymorons and words.  I am most comfortable within the catacombs of my own mind.  Sometimes we are our own worst enemy. I know that my storm will also be my testimony. I am exhausted. Tired of running from myself. Especially tired of running from GOD. So to anyone that may be struggling with their purpose just know that fear of the unknown will always hold you captive in your storm- embrace it. 

I wonder......

It has been a long time since I have actually sat down and wrote on my blog. I have had intentions and heavens knows I have had so much to discuss.  I have been lazy and scared. Some people are great at many things and some such as myself have only been given one great gift. Writing is mine. Writing is suppose to be how I reach out to the world to touch lives. I sit within the cage of my own construction afraid to take the leap and put myself out there for the world to critique. As a child one of my favorite movies was " I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings" I remember watching the movie and then begged my mother to get me the book that had that particular poem within it. Recently, I was going through some of my books finally getting ready to donate some because I have so many. I am a serious book hoarder and I do not like to give books away. I have books that are no longer in print. I figured I may as well donate them to a good cause. I found the book as I was sorting through boxes upon boxes.  I read the poem and cried. I am that caged bird. I long so much to be a great writer.  I keep myself locked away in the cage because I am terrified of the unknown. I am learning that you can not be a blessing or a motivator to someone else if you never put yourself out there. So, no more of me not putting my gift to good use.  God entrusted me with this gift for a reason. So to anyone out there that is struggling to step out of the cage you have surround yourself within. Remember you cannot be who you are meant to be if you never step out of the cage.

Forgiveness Is Not Tangible

For the past few years I have been trying to forgive my ex-husband. I have overcame stages and stages of hurt and anger. But the stage I find most difficult is Forgiveness.  I used to think that if I put him out of my thoughts and memories that meant that I had forgiven him. But if someone brought up his name it was instant fury and deep seeded rage that coursed through my veins. I had not succeeded in forgiving as I told everyone.  The only thing I succeeded in was pushing thoughts and memories of him to the far corners of mind never to be thought of again, unless someone mentioned his name. So, for the past few years I have been on a quest to forgive a man that hurt me deeply. I have tried all manner of things and they worked-temporarily.  I made the assumption that forgiveness was tangible. Simply, stated I thought that forgiveness was something I could touch.  Recently, I have learned that forgiveness is not an item that can be touched. But I thank God he surrounded me with great friends that has helped me to understand the real meaning of forgiveness. God forgave man he even allowed his only son to be crucified for our sins. When I think of this I feel really childish, I only have a broken heart to consider unlike God who watched his son be beaten and crucified. Forgiveness is letting go of whatever hurt and anger you allowed to attach itself to you. After years of trying to forgive and failing I am starting to see just how great life can be once you rid yourself of old wounds.

Life....Who Knew

Life is unpredictable. We all have had obstacles to climb and overcome. Everyone and I do mean everyone has their own cross to bear. But sometimes we forget just how fickle life can be.  We as people get caught up in the world wind of life. Everyday we make assumptions not only upon ourselves but everyone else as well. We live in a bubble where we assume that we are so great that we should never have to shoulder the burden of hard times. It is those rough patches we stumble across in life that make us better people. I have been reminded of this from a someone whom lost a loved one- God. He watched his son Jesus be beaten and crucified. But yet he forgave us all. So, I guess the question we should all ask ourselves whenever life becomes difficult.   What makes me  special that hard times should never encounter me.  Let me just say it is a humbling experience to realize that God gave he son so that we could be here today. Whatever hardship we may be enduring in our lives at this very moment just know that there is a lesson in every storm we encounter in life. We just have to be steadfast in our faith and know that God will never ever give us more than we can bear. "The sun shines brightest after a storm"-T.W.

Step Outside Your Circle

Good morning blog readers. I pray your day has started with a smile upon your lips and determination in your heart. A few days ago I asked you all to pray for me. I sincerely thank everyone  for their prayers. Today I really wanted to send a reminder out those that perhaps are having the same issues as I was. You have to step outside your circle. Circle can mean your comfort zone or anything you use as defense or coping mechanism, including yourself.  Sometimes it may take someone who is not emotionally linked to you to give a word of encouragement.  I met a lady at a event I was invited to. I had a nice time met several women that were positive influences on society.  I did not think much would happen after the event. Because we as a culture have a habit of exchanging information and just let it collect dust. So when I received a request for a poem or quote for a event I was excited. (It is early morning so I have not had a opportunity to ask the lady that requested the poem to use her name in the blog. So that is why I have not stated her name.)  I received a text from her at about 4am this morning with a link onto YouTube. I have no clue how she knew that I needed motivation and encouragement. But I thank her between the video and prayer I feel renewed in knowing all will be well. So to anyone that reads this today do not be afraid to step outside your circle. "Perhaps the only circle you should willingly shelter yourself in is God because it is impenetrable."- T.W.