Mother

Today, was rough and I expected that it would be considering it's Christmas.  It started the moment I opened my eyes to answer the text that had my phone blaring pick me up. Family and friends wishing me a Merry Christmas. I just was not in the holiday spirit.  From the moment I awoke I have been battling negative thoughts that seem to have been working overtime today. I just couldn't keep them at bay. If you have been following my blogs then you know that I have been drowning in sorrow the past few weeks.  I decided to call my daughter so that she could tell me all about what she got for Christmas.  Upon, hearing her say "hey mommy" my heart stopped.  I felt something so deep I still can not put it into words. For the first time in five years I actually felt like a mother. I listened to her speak as tears rolled down my cheeks. How I miss her so much.  I listened to the richness of her voice. I could hear the excitement in her words.  She tells me everything from barbie dolls to candy.  Then she tells me she misses me and she loves me.  My heart sunk even lower.  I managed to tell her our signature code " I love you more."  She hangs up and I just cry.  I have never felt so touched or moved than I have today. I loved my daughter since the womb.  But I now what other mothers and fathers feel like.  Today, is the first time in my life that I have ever felt loved.

S.O.S

I have learned that often times people have a tendency to constantly talk about the same thing over and over and over again.  I am guilty of doing this countless times.  I have finally come up with a possible explanation of why people do this.  We often talk about the same thing constantly because we have not mastered that in which we constantly speak of.  I know for me I have not mastered Letting Go nor have I mastered Forgiveness.  I struggle so hard with letting go and forgiveness.  I feel that they have me anchored refusing to let me sail away.  The more I try to forge ahead with moving on the more obstacles seem to crowd my door step.  I'm so exhausted physically and mentally. I just want to rest.  Somebody, please rescue me.  I can not hang on much longer. I feel myself letting go....

Invisible.....

The tears that I have shed are plenty

The hurt that I feel is suffocating me

And yet, I continue to wait

Waiting for you 

To see me.

I cry out hoping to get 

Your attention.

But you look beyond me.

Why can't you see me

I cry out to you

To look at Me

To see Me

Please..

But you look beyond me...

Untitled...

It seems like months has passed since I place my thoughts into cyber space.  Believe me I have had lots to speak about.  But, as I have written in previous blogs I am trying to keep a positive mindset.  So, it goes back to the old cliche' "if you have nothing nice to say then don't say anything."  I wanted so much to give my emotions and thoughts free rein. But that would not be wise to do.  Writing allows me to express myself emotionally and artistically.  But I have learned that I tend to withdrawal to my writing allowing it be my voice instead of me speaking for me.  Words are just organized dots on a page unless you give them a voice.  As, I sit here in Fridays looking like the epitome of geeky chic.  I look around with a smile peaking from my chiseled features.  No, one knows the mental battle Im experiencing right now.  I sit here trying desperately to keep my thoughts  on the yellow brick road, to stay positive.  Everyday, the battle continues often stalking me in my dreams.  I am so exhausted.  But I will continue to fight.  Never in a million years would I have thought my most vicious adversary would be ME....

When It Hurts So BAD....

This week has been brutally hard and unrelenting.  I could not start a job I wanted badly due to issues beyond my control.  I have lost a friend that I cared for deeply.  I have cried enough to create my lagoon.  The hurt that cradles my heart squeezes me tightly with no press for release button.  I have been wondering what I have done to deserve such a throbbing ache.  I cry out vehemently for someone to tell me why.  Why,  happiness seems to disappear when I get too close.  I have always wondered why I have to work so much harder for things to become a reality for me.  I see others that seem to get things effortlessly.  I try to keep my thoughts clear of what goes on around me.  But sometimes I lose focus and find myself wondering what ifs.  Even as I sit here and wonder I know what I have to do.  I have to pick  myself back up and continue to move along in my journey of life. I have to check my ruck sack and ensure my necessities are still there.  My shield of confidence has taken many hits but yet, I continue to patch up and it works as good as new.  My determination and tenacity wait patiently at my side.  My book of aspirations encourage me to keep climbing. Always reassuring me that if I stay stumble determination will be there to lift me up. So, I shall say this and be done with this self-induced pity party.  "Pain is a part of life.  How you decide to deal with that pain.  Will determine how long it hurts."

Who's Pulling Your Puppet Strings- Assistance or Hindrance?

I realized about a week ago I have very few friends.  I sat down to dig deeper into my memories of yester-years to reflect on the friendships I used to have.  I realized as I matured my choice in friends did not.  I looked at the people I gravitated to and I was shocked at what I was drawn to.  The past few years I can say I have had only two friends.  It took for me to experience a low point in my life to realize who my true friends were.  It hurt me deeply to know that the people I would willingly give my last too. Were the ones pulling the strings on  my puppet.  It has made me very distrustful of peoples motives.  It has taken a long time for me to really notice the link between reflection and perception.  I used to be friends with people that did not have the same values and morals that I held.  I would constantly say when people asked me. Why I could associate with such people.  I remember saying "what they do is their business and has no reflection on me."  People perceive you to be a certain way if they have meet someone you associate with.  Regardless, if you want to admit it or not our friends are reflections of us.  I want to be successful.  So for me I know that a big part of success is to surround yourself with positivity.  I refuse to be friends with someone that is hindering me.  Hinder is a obstacle or impediment.  Sometimes our associates, families, and friends can become a hindrance to us.  We exert so much energy into holding onto relationships that are dead weight we often sink ourselves.  I have learned to ask myself is this person a assistance or a hindrance to me.  It is so easy to be negative but it is often a daily up hill battle to be positive.   I prefer to surround myself around those that have similar values and morals as I do.  Positivity, is a assistance everyone could use more of.  Ask yourself this do I currently hold relationships with people that are hindering me?  Am I a hindrance in my relationships?

Failures Are Important To Someone

Last night was the first of four sessions in a teleseminar I am currently attending.  At, first I was overwhelmed at the amount of information that was being given. (Until, I get permission I will not state the speakers name.)  I honestly was ready to give up. That is until the speaker made a statement that literally made me stop my mental complaining.  For the rest of the seminar I was on auto pilot my mind wanted desparately to deconstruct her statement.  I have thought about that statement off and on for hours today.  I finally feel comfortable enough to share my thoughts on the subject.
     For as long as I can remember I have lived inside my mind. It is where I am most comfortable. Everything must be thought out in my mind first. If my minds eye could not see it then it was unfathomable.  For most of my life I have felt inadequate and awkward. I have scars that are visbly  hidden with dry humor, quick wit, and a who cares adittude. I have failed at more things than I care to remember. I preferred to keep my failures to myself. I was to ashamed to let anyone in to comfort me. I knew that there was a part of me that wanted to give my failures a voice. Up until I heard that statement I was very limted on who knew my failures.  I now realize how powerful a failure can be to someone that may be heading in the very direction I took.  By giving my failures a voice I allow myself to heal. To every person that is sitting at home struggling with a failure of some sort. Stop allowing it to fester. For several weeks I have been meeting women that needed to hear about my failures. And for several weeks I have been fighting with myself on whether I would allow someone to know about the failures I have endured.  I decided today that my failures will become someone elses victory.  From that one statement I have healed so  much by just allowing my life lessons to become someones guide book. When I think back to the past I realize that the failures I have endured have made me a stronger person.  So, I will say this and be done for the night.  "True success comes not from succeeding at be being the best. But recongnizing that failure was a necessary step to success."...TW